Yellow Flowers

I was waiting for the bottom to fall out from underneath me. I do that a lot- you know? Wait for the inevitable to happen- the proverbial piano to come crashing down or the bus to slam into me when I least expect it. And that’s what happened. Your words echo like ghosts in my mind, haunting my thoughts.


You know I care. But for now-

No sound. No other noise than your voice.

I think it’s best if we’re just friends.

My heart stops. Seriously. Did I just die? No…? Well, it feels like it.

I can hear you talking about timing being off, how you feel bad about not being able to give 100% of yourself. Our lives are just going in two different directions. We’re underwater, now. How did we get here? Your voice is soft and fuzzy- but, my mind is already a thousand thoughts away.

CRASH!
SLAM!!

They hit me at once- a cataclysmic force crushing me whole. And I realize you’re still there, waiting to know that I’m okay. That I’m not falling apart. But, it’s too late. You know I am. I was never able to successfully hide my emotions from you. So, I cry and you listen. You’re so patient, and I know it’s hurting you just as bad as it’s hurting me because in the end it’s just not fair to either of us.

There are all these little pieces of you speckled haphazardly over my life. Everywhere I look, there you are. And I’ve never had to do this before. I don’t know how to do this. Memories float about like fruit flies loitering the air after a picnic. They’re a reminder that something beautiful was once there, but remains no longer. What am I supposed to do with them? Part of me wants to lure them into a jar with golden honey and thick molasses. You know- keep them near and pretend it’s not happening. Another part wants to close them up tight and place them on the highest shelf- protect them from being ripped away, or worse- finding them dead. Little black dots of disappointment and despair.

I have to figure out how to be the me that existed before the us was even a factor. But- how? There are so many steps and somehow I’ve lost my feet. How do I move on without replacing you? How do I wake up every morning and breathe in and out? How do I not break a little more every time I have to explain the status of you and I? Or keep my heart and stomach from lurching as I remove our captured moments from my office wall?

Yellow flowers take the place of our faces on my computer screen. Yellow flowers are nice. They don’t make me smile. Maybe, they never will. But, perhaps, in time- they might make the sadness just a little harder to find.