Plateau of a Week

It’s been a week. And sometimes I thrill myself with how okay I am. Others, I’m a memory away from falling apart. I don’t want to lose you, but I simply don’t know how to be your friend. You called, and the song played, and my heart- involuntarily- skipped a beat. Old habits die hard. I wish my heart followed suit. Days pass, and I wonder if you miss me, like I miss you. Could you possibly? You don’t know how to be my friend either. It always turns to something more. I wish, quietly and much in vain, that today would become the day before and everything would be as it was. But, does that not mean that tomorrow would never come? No- it doesn’t. It is inevitably evident to all others, but my heart. My heart…

It clings to you like a small child wraps around its mother’s legs, possessive and unapologetic. It claims you as its own, as it has been accustomed to your presence for too long now. It molds itself to every memory, every physical trait, every little bit of you that is left within me. I try to fool it- pacify it with warm thoughts of summer and happiness. But all it senses is your absence, not altogether removed, but not in the place you’ve always been. It’s running, full-force, towards something the mind knows is only a mirage. But, that’s the thing about the heart; it doesn’t care about appearing foolish or vulnerable. It just wants what it wants, regardless of the damage that could occur as a result. Maybe we could all take a lesson in love from the part of us that knows it best.

Rediscovery

I go to bed and my heart aches a little-


Just a little.

I can hear your voice and see your face,

And I want to believe everything will

Be okay.

But, I lie there pretending to sleep,

And my mind keeps spinning

Like a race car about to crash

Because, ultimately, it all comes

Back to me.

I reach for the phone,

Press a button for your name.

Hesitate.

Put it down.

Pick it up.

Try again.

..The crazy wall is strong as ever.

And part of me feels it shouldn’t be this way.

But, I’m utterly lost in this place

So commonly familiar to everyone but me.

You’re the moon and

I’m the tide-

Following blindly-

Every rise and fall of my core

Hanging on your words.

And it’s suffocating-

But, the pillow rests not in your hands.

No.

You’re lovely,

And we’re fine,

But, me-?

I’m a mess of emotions-

Making great whales

Out of guppies.

The phone glows silent, beside me in the darkness.

I leave it.

I close my eyes and focus on me.

Think of things that make me smile.

Try to remember who I am.

Why, hello there, stranger.


It’s been a long time…

It’s been far too long of a time.

Laying the Foundation

It seems like everyone is trying to chase happiness these days. But, we do it such a clumsy way, like toddlers who have just learned to walk- stumbling about with a direction of where we want to go, just a bit perplexed in our ability to actually get there. We think, maybe, if we just have the Newest Gadget or the House on the Hill or the Relationship or The Career or any of the other bazillion things we relentlessly pursue that then happiness might be achieved. The simplists might long for more emotional things over the material. Seeking praise for a job well done, hearing those 3 little words from someone special, or just enjoying laughter with friends. While those certainly attribute more to true happiness than any finite thing can, that's still not its root.

Happiness starts with YOU. It is a state of mind, rather than something to be achieved or attained. It is a place deep within that must be forcefully, whole-heartedly protected from people who wish to rip past the veil and taint it with negativity. It is somewhere that must exist with or without the presense of others. You should be able to find happiness in a room full of friends as well as an empty space. You have to find that within yourself or you will only ever be relying on other people to make you happy. And that, my friends, will never suffice. So many people try to lure happiness by shining a light on themselves. They go to extreme measures to try and convince everyone that they are, in fact, happy when it's all just a facade. But, when you can find that place within you (and it is there, I assure you) you have to kindle that fire and harness that light. Then, you will shine from the inside out and you won't have to convince yourself or anyone of your happiness- it will be all too evident.

Concurrently, when you choose to harbor anger and hatred- it's like putting a pin in the hand of your enemy and waiting for the worst. The hole in the veil might seem small, but the smallest amount of negative thought is enough to destroy everything magical, golden, and loving that lies beyond. Forgive. Choose to be happy. Choose YOU.

Surely, the laughter of children and the love that lingers after the words are spoken are both things of happiness. As are sunsets, the scent of babies, holding hands, the chirping of birds, and walking barefoot in the sand. But, let us remember: those are things on which happiness is BUILT. They are not the FOUNDATION. The foundation is YOU.

Growing Up, I Hit A Glitch

Remember when lightening bugs

were fairies?
When boxes were kindgoms,
And dreams were apples waiting to fall from
Their luscious, green homes
Right into our laps?
We savored them completely,
Sweet juices running down our chins.
It was that easy.
It was that magical.
Because we didn’t know better.


We hadn’t yet bitten into a
Façade of sweetness,
Only to discover the rotten core
That was lain within-
The remnants of things that
Once were pure and true,
Now reeking with an achrid stench.


Where goes that wonder?
Where goes that trust in that
Which we have no reason to trust at all?
Where does it exist,
But in the heart of childhood?
We watch,
We wait,
We pinch,
We pry,
We protect,
We predict.
But, when do we ever just believe?
Saccharine or rancid,
Win or lose,
The orchard is there
For the taking.

Late Bloomer

Little late bloomer

With your little doe eyes.
Spring came, but you
missed it.
Lingering low-
Just beneath the
Surface…
Always content to
look up,
But never believing
there was a place for you
In the sun.
Wouldn’t it feel lovely
against your skin?
Wouldn’t you like to linger there?
Just linger there glowing in
all that light…
In all of that beautiful light..

New Year, Lessons Learned, and All That Jazz

Trying to move posts from another blog to this one...dates be damned.

It’s the final hours of the year, and I’m left as I always am: pondering. Reflective. I don’t think I have ever felt more sentimentally attached to a year as I do this one. I am, in no way, the same person I was at this time last year. God knows 2010 was a rough year for my family and I- and though there were definitely things I wished for- I was just happy to have made it to and through the holidays together. Little did I know that the upcoming year would provide me with memories and experiences I never thought I would acquire. They weren’t always beautiful, but they were always, always essential. I was inspired, I was loved, I fell in love, I felt beautiful thoughts, I endured painful consequences, I read lovely books, I laughed at jokes- some witty, others not so much, I listened to music and sang songs that stirred my soul. So, in celebration of saying goodbye to 2011, here is a small, hindsight list of lessons that personified this year for me:




- Don’t run away. Even when you think it’s easier or will bring you more joy. It won’t.



- Put positivity out into the world. It usually comes back 10 fold.



- Every day may not be beautiful, but there is beauty in every day.



- When given the choice- choose happiness. Always.



- Furthermore, never rely on someone or something to decide your happiness. Only YOU are in charge of that, and it is a state of mind you must CHOOSE (see above).



- Don’t spend your present worrying about a future you can’t control.



- Do things that make you HAPPY.



- Concurrently, surround yourself with people who make you happy and lift you UP, not the ones who bring you DOWN.



- Own your feelings. Talk about them, write them down, whatever it takes for you to identify and acknowledge them.



- Don’t just give love with the expectation of getting love in return. When you truly love, it’s not a choice, and it’s given without stipulation.



- Believe that it’s okay to not know some things. Life is a learning process. As long as you are always striving to further that knowledge, that’s all that matters.



- NEVER SETTLE for less than you deserve or REST on what you have already achieved. Growth doesn’t happen by standing still.



- Sometimes you have to walk away from what you WANT in order to get what you NEED.



- Allow yourself (and others) time. Don’t rush things. Just let situations play out.



- SMILE. You might be surprised by what it does for you and others.



- Give (honest) compliments. Sometimes, the littlest kindness can make the difference between someone and their breaking point.



- When people say relationships are hard work—they aren’t kidding.



- Don’t lose yourself in someone else, no matter how happy they make you. That happiness, much like a bubble, could burst at any moment and you still have to know yourself outside that protective, shiny barrier.



- Always be yourself. As Dr.Suess said: People who mind don’t matter and people who matter don’t mind.



- Make goals and celebrate little successes.



- The only way to push PAST fear is to push THROUGH it.



- Being fearless isn’t having no fears. No- being fearless is being scared to death, but jumping anyway.



- Life is hard and crazy and beautiful and chaotic and amazing. Even in the moments where you think you are literally breaking apart piece by piece. Because there will come a time when you realize that pain and those scars have made you who you are right now. And what a beautifully broken person that is!



Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2012 is wonderful for you all.