Plateau of a Week

It’s been a week. And sometimes I thrill myself with how okay I am. Others, I’m a memory away from falling apart. I don’t want to lose you, but I simply don’t know how to be your friend. You called, and the song played, and my heart- involuntarily- skipped a beat. Old habits die hard. I wish my heart followed suit. Days pass, and I wonder if you miss me, like I miss you. Could you possibly? You don’t know how to be my friend either. It always turns to something more. I wish, quietly and much in vain, that today would become the day before and everything would be as it was. But, does that not mean that tomorrow would never come? No- it doesn’t. It is inevitably evident to all others, but my heart. My heart…

It clings to you like a small child wraps around its mother’s legs, possessive and unapologetic. It claims you as its own, as it has been accustomed to your presence for too long now. It molds itself to every memory, every physical trait, every little bit of you that is left within me. I try to fool it- pacify it with warm thoughts of summer and happiness. But all it senses is your absence, not altogether removed, but not in the place you’ve always been. It’s running, full-force, towards something the mind knows is only a mirage. But, that’s the thing about the heart; it doesn’t care about appearing foolish or vulnerable. It just wants what it wants, regardless of the damage that could occur as a result. Maybe we could all take a lesson in love from the part of us that knows it best.

Not Everything is Supposed to Come True

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a day when I look at you and my heart doesn't melt. You were my first crush, the first boy I ever cried myself to sleep over, the first boy I ever tried to change myself for (ok, not the first, but the most important). I've known you since we were three years old and I don't think I have ever believed in someone the way I believe in you. I always knew you didn't care for me the same way I did about you. I struggled with that for years and, in some ways, I still do. In middle school, you always felt as if you had to be the class clown and the others did laugh. But they weren't always laughing with you and this broke my heart. Your humorous antics made teachers presume you were nothing but a straight A student who was wasting his potential. But I knew better. I knew that you were just covering up from some hurt you didn't know how to express. As we grew older you began to show everyone your true colors. You graduated top of your class from Med School and now attend the most prestigious medical universities in the country. You have traveled the world. You have grown in so many ways. You have spread the word of God and put smiles on children's faces. You are something special, not just to those who know you; to the world. You are going to make a difference. I just know it. I have always known it. I'm not really sure why I felt so inspired to write this, especially since you will never see it. Except, I came across a picture of you today and there it was: that familiar pang in my chest as my heart melted all over again. I know we will never be together. It just wasn't in the cards, but you will always have a little piece of my heart. And one day, when I'm old and our lives have taken us different directions, I will sit and rock my grandchildren. I will tell them about the boy with the blue eyes whose smile could make my breath catch in my throat. I will tell them how he went on adventures and changed the world. And how I always knew he would.