The Morning that You Wake Up Good as New

I read some of our emails today. You know I saved them all, right? I did. A funny thing began to happen as the words jumped off the page at me. I smiled. Hell, I even laughed. Then, it hit me: I’m healing. I’m realizing our relationship as something beautiful and lovely- a period in my life that was filled with wonderlust. Do certain things still sting a little? Sure. But, they don’t make my heart ache. You cared for me. You saw me in a way that no one ever had. We were good together.

I called you this afternoon. I haven’t talked to you in over a month. I had thought of picking up the phone and saying hello, but the moment would pass and I would move on to yet another thought, and another. I believe more than anything- I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to have you in my life again, not in the way I wanted. I had to give myself time to let some of that lingering desire fade away into soft pastels of love instead of bright, neon signs screaming want me!!! You couldn’t talk when I called, but said you would return the gesture later. That’s fine. Really. I’m not hurt. I’m not shocked. I’m not waiting by the phone. It shocks even myself. There was a time when I just knew the shadows of hurt and longing would suck me in, no matter how much I yearned to have days filled with laughter and sunshine. But, I blew bubbles. I took some risks. I bought a bathing suit. I laughed with friends. I allowed myself to hurt, forgave myself for past mistakes, and I made myself get back up. I moved on.

I can talk about you now with a smile at the corners of my mouth. I can reminisce of the memories we made, and all of the things you were to me- and not shed a tear. We didn’t make it. The future moved on too…without us. You. Me. In the same place. But, it doesn’t mean I have to give back the experience. Pain robbed me of that momentarily, but I took it back. We were supposed to happen. We were not a mistake. We were good together. But, now we’re apart. And, finally…I know I’m going to be okay. So will you. You were such a beautiful experience. No one will take that away from me.