She ran her fingers through her thick, blonde hair and gathered it into a ponytail. She knew her mother would put up a fuss about it, especially with it being the first day of school, but there was simply nothing else that could be done with it. She walked back into her room and turned on her small radio. It didn’t play very loudly, but the needle on her record player had been skipping a lot and her dad hadn’t gotten around to fixing it yet. She hated trying to pick out what she was going to wear. Nothing looked right on her. She grabbed a pair of jeans from the floor of her closet when a familiar sound began to fill her ears. The notes bounced around on her eardrums as the pants slipped from her fingertips.
It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you.
She swung around to turn off the radio, knocking it off her dresser. She could feel her heart pounding beneath the material of her bra. She sat on the floor beside her bed trying desperately to catch her breath, but nothing she did seemed to work. She sat very still and imagined herself floating in crystal clear water, hearing nothing except the muted waves and taking in the blue azure sky. After a few minutes, her pulse began to slow and she could feel a sense of normalcy returning to her body. For once, normalcy wasn’t a bad thing. She finished dressing, leaving the radio in its spot on the floor, and headed downstairs.
Her mother did question her choice of hairstyle, noting that it was the first day of school after all; first impressions and everything. She didn’t stop at just the hair this morning though. Apparently she was less than pleased with the choice of outfit her daughter had chosen as well.
Do you want people to assume you’re one of those hippies? Why don’t you run put on that nice dress I bought you last week?
She quickly mumbled something about having to get to school early and rushed out the door. Her mother meant well, really she did. She just grew up during a different time and couldn’t identify with this newer generation who was so clearly frustrated with the idea of conformity and labels. She, however, could very much identify with them. She was one of them after all.
***********************
God, she hated school. Sure, she did well, made good grades; but what was so great about that? Going to college to live out the next four years of her life in the same cloak of monotony? Wow. She could hardly contain her excitement. All of her old friends still tried to talk to her when they saw her in the hall, which only lead to a moment of awkward stares as they tried to figure out what to say once they had her attention. Why couldn’t they understand? She just wanted to be left alone. She wasn’t trying to be mean. In fact, if anything, she was just trying to save them from wasting their time with her. She had nothing to offer them. She wished they would just accept it and move on. She knew she had changed since last year, but so had they. Why did everyone seem to care what she did with her time? She had given up her life as the Homecoming Queen, Class President, Cheerleader, and debate team member. She didn’t have a problem with it and couldn’t figure out why everyone else did. As far as her parents were concerned, nothing at school had changed and that’s the way she wanted to keep it. The last thing she needed was them, hounding her about her choices. This was her life, not theirs.
As she walked down the hall, everyone was buzzing with the talk and laughter of the beginning of a new school year. Girls huddled in small groups, comparing their various shades of pink lipstick and who the boy of the moment was. Guys lined the walls in their varsity jackets, grunting and mumbling about how much tail they had managed to score over the summer. Didn’t they realize they were all so completely full of crap? And that was just the Untouchables. There were droves of other people crowded in the corridor, each group trying to distinguish their own rank within the order. The Music Misfits, the Hazy Hippies, the Lame Brains, the Rebels, the Wannabe’s, the Motorheads, and the Question Marks. The last group represented people who, either by choice or force, faded into the background. No one knew or cared to know who they were. She used to know exactly where she fit in and was proud to be among the upper crust of the elitist. She knew what it was like to be part of the Untouchables, but she also knew that it came at a price and she wasn’t willing to pay it anymore.
It was just too much for her senses to handle in the short ten minutes she had been there. She ducked into the bathroom to quickly realize that her senses would get no relief there either. Smoke immediately stung her eyes and filled her nose as the door swung close behind her. A gaggle of girls stood in front of the mirror, cigarettes fixed between their painted red lips (a sure sign of a Wannabe), each one rolling up their skirts at the waist, taking precise measure as to not make it bunch.
Who the hell does he think he is anyway? My mother? Just ‘cuz he looks like Tricky Dicky doesn’t mean he’s got the right to tell me how to wear my clothes.
They stopped and watched her as she passed them to get to the sinks. She waited for them to say something to her, simply because they rarely missed out on an opportunity to make someone else feel inferior. She was surprised when none of them so much as uttered a word in her direction. As she bent to splash some water on her face, she couldn’t help thinking that maybe she had achieved ultimate Question Mark status, then she remembered that they had watched her cross the floor. Oh well- she would just have to work harder.
***************************
She managed to make it to her homeroom class without any more awkward run-ins. She chose a seat in the back of the class, once again, a major deviation from her old self. She didn’t want any teachers making a fuss over her or, worse, asking if they should call her parents so they could all talk. She didn’t need to talk. She didn’t want to talk. Even if she did, they would be the last people she’d want to talk to. Her efforts did not pay off.
Would you please stay after class today, Karen? I’ll write you a pass. I have something to discuss with you.
Great. That’s just how she wanted to start off the first day of Senior year. Mrs. Ebbesberry, her English teacher, was one of those teachers who cared deeply about all of the students. Not the fake, paid for care that most teachers tried to pawn off on their classes, but genuine concern. While she thought it was a commendable trait, she didn’t want to be mixed up with the apprehensive teacher right now. Though, as far as she could see, she didn’t really have much choice in the matter.
The bell rang and she waited behind as the other students filed out of the classroom. Finally, she gathered her things and approached the desk at the front of the room. Mrs. Ebbesberry explained that she needed volunteers to help mentor the EMH students. She must have seen the confusion on her face because she went on to explain that EMH stood for: Emotionally Mentally Handicapped. She said that the school was starting a new program where regular students spent one hour, three afternoons a week with an assigned EMH student. She would be responsible for helping them learn new skills, exposing them to new experiences, and just trying to be a friend.
Was she serious? Did she realize who she was talking to? She couldn’t get her own pitiful life in order, much less help some zombie of a person who didn’t even know how to tie their shoes. She could tell that her teacher was still talking to her, but she wasn’t hearing the words. She had already made up her mind that there was no way she was taking part in any of it.
Karen, I know it doesn’t sound appealing to you, but I’m afraid you need to make up some English credits after your situation last year. If you don’t do the volunteer work, you won’t graduate in the Spring.
Her heart skipped a beat. Situation? What did she mean by situation? What did she know?
Karen? Karen, are you listening to me? Do you remember the situation you had last year when you passed out in class? You were out of school for a week after that, during which you missed your final exam. We spoke with your parents about having you do some volunteer work to make up for it, considering your impeccable grades in the course.
She breathed a sigh of relief. While passing out in class wasn’t exactly her finest moment, at least that was the only situation Mrs. Ebbesberry knew of. She agreed to do the work and was given a folder with the name of her EMH student, as well as the time and place to meet them. She folded it up and stuck it in her pocket. Why depress herself by looking at it now? She had rest of the day to do that.
******************************************************
Maria DeSalva was the name of the girl that she was supposed to be meeting later that afternoon. Maria was in the same grade as she and was born with Down Syndrome. The paper told a lot of other stuff about her as well, but she didn’t want to spoil the surprise of finding out for herself did she? She knew she was being mean. It’s not that she thought less of people like Maria, it just made her mad that she was supposed to be helping someone else with their life, when hers was the way it was. More than that, she didn’t know what in the world she had to offer Maria that could benefit her in any way. She was so messed up; broken in a sense. What if Maria saw that in her? What would happen then? She couldn’t- wouldn’t think about it.
As she walked up the driveway of the house specified on the sheet she had been given, her stomach began to lurch with nervous energy. She had to resist the urge to turn and run. Also just as strong? The urge to retch in the bushes she was passing. Both options, she knew, would not present her in a good light at all.
She stood in front of the door and raised a sweaty palm to ring the bell. But before the tip of her finger touched the button, the door swung open and she was face to face with the most beautiful pair of ice blue eyes she had ever seen.
Hi! My name is Maria! Are you my buddy?
Her voice was so exuberant, so full of joy. Any nerves that had been there before were now long gone. Maria introduced her to her mother, father, and grandmother before taking her to her bedroom. The first thing that struck her as she entered the room was that it was exact same pink color as her own bathroom. She was sure that if they put the walls side by side, no one would be able to tell the difference. Unlike herself, Maria seemed to still love the color as much as the day it was painted. Her bed occupied about thirty stuffed animals of all shapes and sizes. On her walls hung posters of The Beatles, Elvis, a psychedelic peace sign, a Teen Dream print of Greg Brady, a cast photo of the entire Brady Bunch, and a framed picture of Billie Holiday. There were bookshelves that housed, what had to be, hundreds of records. She certainly had a collection. As she continued to look around, she noticed that there were also a multitude of water-globes. All kinds of them, not just ones with the white flecks of fake snow settled on the bottom. Some had fish that swam when you shook it up, some had landscapes that changed from one season to the next upon turning them upside down, others had ships, cartoon characters, ballerinas, animals, fairies, and the list went on. One that seemed to jump out at her was antique looking with a beautifully sculpted base. Inside the globe stood a huge castle and at the top window of the structure there was a gorgeous princess. She peered out the window with a forlorn expression on her face as if, even with all the beauty and wealth that surrounded her, she still couldn’t be happy. She was trapped, smothered in a life she no longer knew. The feeling was all too familiar.
She wasn’t sure what exactly she was supposed to do here. Mrs. Ebbesberry had been very vague about the whole thing. Maria, sensing her new friend’s uneasiness and having had experience with the My Buddy program, offered a solution.
You’re supposed to help me with my homework. But it’s okay ‘cuz I don’t have any today.
Oh, okay. Well, what do you usually do after school?
I listen to music. I love music! Do you want to see my records?
Maria took her hand and led her over to the gigantic bookcases. There were three of them lined up, end to end, along the far wall of the room and each one was chock full of every kind of record you could imagine: Jazz, Gospel, Rock-n-Roll, Salsa, Country Western, Classical, Big Band, and that was just at a glance! She had always thought you could tell a lot about a person by looking at their music collection and it seemed she was right. Maria reached up and took an old Billie Holiday record from the shelf. She gingerly removed it from the clearly worn cover and placed it on the turntable using great care. She turned towards Karen.
Did you know that Billie Holiday was also known as Lady Day?
No, I can’t say-
Her most famous song was ‘Lady Sings the Blues’. It’s on this record. We can listen to it if you want. It’s not my favorite song.
It was kind of hard for her to understand everything Maria was saying, but she was very impressed with her vocabulary. This wasn’t exactly what she was expecting, but she was pleased things were going so smoothly. Maybe this wouldn’t be so hard. She pressed on.
What’s your favorite song?
My favorite song is I’ll Be Seeing You. It comes on first. Shhh…close your eyes and listen.
Maria picked up the needle of the record player and set it on the vinyl disk as it began to spin, the words in the center becoming a blur of yellow and black. There was a moment of familiar popping and cracking as the needle settled in place. She lay back on the soft beige carpet and closed her eyes. Taking note of her actions, Karen did the same. They lied next to each other as the soft sounds of an era gone by wafted out of the speakers above and, all at once, a voice as smooth as Egyptian cotton surrounded them. The music seemed to envelop her body, transplanting her thoughts a thousand miles away. At that moment, the events of the past year faded away and she realized that she never wanted to open her eyes again. She just wanted to remain here and exist in this world of muted horns and woven lyrics.
The record ended and she forced herself to part ways with her new found place of tranquility. When she opened her eyes, she turned her head to see Maria’s gaze settled on her own. This would have usually made her feel very uncomfortable, but for reasons she couldn’t quite decipher, she found warmth in Maria’s stare.
You’re crying.
She hadn’t realized it until then, but it appeared Maria was right. She had never been one of those people who cried in front of others. Even as a child, when she scraped her knee or someone hurt her feelings, she would wait until she was all alone. Only then would she let her tears flow freely. She was slightly embarrassed that Maria saw her this way, but again, it didn’t bother her as much as it normally did. She apologized and explained that she didn’t mean to scare her.
Don’t worry, Buddy. You didn’t scare me. It’s okay to cry. It shows you have a big heart.
Her words floated in the air between them and for the first time that day, when she looked at Maria, she didn’t see some EMH kid with Down Syndrome. Instead, she saw a girl who had been dealt an uneven hand, yet embraced the world around her with open arms and an open heart. That was more than she could say for herself. Even as she thought the words, she realized that their lives were completely different beasts.
**************************************************************
She had never met anyone like Maria. Over the past few weeks, she did things that she hadn’t done in years. They went to the zoo where they rode the little train and Maria told her what sound each animal made. The next day, she drug Karen down to the river and showed her where she caught salamanders. While they were there Karen taught her how to skip rocks across the large, glassy surface. She placed a rock in Maria’s hand then, took it in her own.
Just hold the rock like this. Feel how smooth it is? That’s really important to help it bounce off the water. Now, reach across your stomach and then move your arm really fast to throw it towards the water. I’ll show you when to let it go okay?
She held her hand over Maria’s, reached around, and swung the stone in the direction of the water, releasing it just as their hands cleared Maria’s body. The small rock skipped merrily about over the surface of the water for quite some distance before kirplunking to the darkness beneath. She looked at Maria, who was beaming from ear to ear.
Who taught you to do that?
She explained that when she was little, her dad would take her fishing with him every Saturday morning. They would take a lunch and everything. Then, when it was time to eat, they would pull the boat up to their favorite spot; underneath an old Weeping Willow, and have lunch. One day, after they had finished their sandwiches and were sitting enjoying the feeling of the warm sun on their skin, he asked her if she knew how to skip rocks. When he found out that she didn’t, he rose from his seat and walked with her to the edge of the water. He had taught her in the same way that she had just taught Maria. A sadness pained her heart. She hadn’t thought of those things in so long. It almost seemed like someone else’s life, as if she was just peering in on some stranger’s memories. She had come to share a great deal with Maria, but she kept this to herself. Her smile was too bright, too beautiful to be ruined with the solemn thoughts of another.
She loved spending time with Maria. She didn’t feel like a mentor or that she was superior to her in any way. She just felt like a friend. She hadn’t had a true friend in so long that she had forgotten how it felt. Maria didn’t care what kind of clothes she wore or if she was dating the most popular guy in school. She didn’t care about drinking or smoking pot. She didn’t smile to people’s faces then, lie behind their backs. Those were the only things her old friends knew how to do. She had experienced the consequences that having friends like that could bring and she didn’t want to go back there.
Maria’s class was on the opposite side of the school from her own and every day during her lunch period, she would go to see her when she finished eating. The school was fairly large, so it always took her a few minutes to reach the classroom. It would be quicker if she cut through the Senior Hall, but she didn’t want to risk running into anyone she knew. Instead, she crossed the court yard behind the cafeteria, cut through the library, down the Music Hall, and past the gym. She was almost there, when she heard something that made her stomach begin to lurch. As she started to round the corner leading to the Special Education classrooms, her eyes settled on Maria and the blue and yellow numbers of the varsity jacket on the figure at the end of the hall.
It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you.
She could feel the world turning blurry around her. She steadied herself, turning to run back the way she had come. Her body seemed to be weightless as she sprinted through the court yard and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears. Nothing else existed, just her and the path in front of her. She had no idea where she was going, but she wanted to get there. Fast.
She ran past the front of the school and down the street. Her lungs were burning, but she kept running. She ran until she reached the park and collapsed onto the ground, causing the flock of sparrows that had gathered a few feet away to scatter. She attracted a few curious glances from other park goers, but she didn’t care. Let them think she was just some drunk kid who had snuck off to get a nip during her lunch period.
As she lay there looking up at the cloudless blue sky, she tried to stop her mind from going back. She closed her eyes against the memories that would not be shut out. The heat, the smell of pot, the Deep Purple song blaring from the record player, the wood paneling, the purple and orange lava lamp that glowed in the corner surrounded by empty beer cans. There were so many voices, all muffled and far away sounding. Some laughed, but mostly there was a lot of grunting and cheering. She didn’t know where the voices were coming from and she couldn’t seem to find her friends anywhere. Everything was so hazy. Her boyfriend Greg stood over her, his varsity jacket tied around his waist. She tried to talk to him; ask him where had everyone gone? Where were all of her friends? She couldn’t make sense of anything.
It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you.
She tried to summon the peaceful euphoria of the day she lay on Maria’s floor listening to Lady Day’s velvet voice, but to no avail. The memories kept pushing forward. She tried to see who else was in the room, but all she could make out was varsity jackets. They were everywhere. She moved her hands and felt that she was lying on a rug of some kind and when she looked down at herself, she realized that she was completely naked. Panic rose in her chest as she tried frantically to get up, but it felt like she must have weighed a thousand pounds.
Whoa there wild thing! Where you trying to go? Greg, you better come get your girl. She’s flakin’ out.
You’re not goin’ anywhere pretty lady. Just stay right there. It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you.
She tried to scream. She used every ounce of strength she had to try and scream, but she could only manage to mumble. A blur of faces and bodies passed over her as she lay there motionless, tears sliding down her cheeks. She focused on the soft light of the lava lamp as the minutes dragged by. She wondered if it would ever be over. She must have blacked out because the next thing she remembered was Greg dropping her off in her driveway in the wee hours of the morning. Her parents had long ago been in bed.
Thanks for the entertainment, baby. It was great. Make no mistake, if you ever tell anyone about our little fun, you will regret it. Besides, who are people going to believe? A dirty little whore or the captain of the football team?
He had used her. She’d thought he was the most gorgeous, enigmatic person she had ever met. She let him pick what they did on dates, where they went to eat, what outfits she wore; even when he would give her the option to choose. He saw her admiration for him and he took advantage of it. She hated to see him prancing around the school, acting as if he was God’s gift to humanity. The teachers all loved him, parents loved him, all the guys wanted to be him and all the girls wanted to be with him. He had them all fooled. In an instant, the image from earlier in the hall flashed in her head. She had to get back to the school. She scrambled to her feet and, gathering every ounce of courage she had, she ran in the direction of the school, directly towards the darkest fear she had ever known.
When she got back to the school, the halls were bursting with people shuffling from one class to the next. She willed them to move out of her way and if they didn’t, they had better prepare themselves to be thrust out of her path. She was aware that she was attracting major attention to herself, but at that moment she didn’t care what any of them thought of her. She saw Principal Frederick standing outside his office and knew that he would be none too pleased with the speed at which she was traveling. Yet again, she didn’t care. She darted past him, sure that she heard him calling her name, but he was already a distant memory. She dashed through the Music Hall, hoping upon hope that she wasn’t too late. She stopped just short of the corner where she had stood only half an hour ago. What was wrong with her? She’d just nearly killed herself to get back here, yet she couldn’t make herself go any further. Her feet, seemingly cemented to the floor beneath her. She closed her eyes and thought of Maria’s eyes, blue as Caribbean water. She heard her laugh, saw her smile, and she let the warmth surround her. That was all she needed.
This side of the school was much quieter than the main side. The Special Education students had the same teacher for every subject, so there was no hustle and bustle of class changes. As she rounded the corner, she saw that the hall was empty. She tried not to let herself lose it. She couldn’t be sure of anything- not yet. She continued down the corridor until she was standing outside Maria’s classroom. Her hand trembled violently as she raised it to knock on the brightly colored door. Ms. Halse, Maria’s main teacher, appeared in front of her, a radiant smile spread across her striking features. She was familiar with Karen and knew that she was Maria’s mentor. She asked to speak with Maria for a moment and let out a sigh of relief when she heard the familiar voice heading in her direction.
Karen! Buddy! What are you doing here?
She stepped forward and embraced Maria’s soft figure, holding her tightly against her own shaking one. She knew she was probably crying and she figured Maria would wonder what was wrong. She would have to talk to her, but how would she talk to her without telling her everything. Not only did she question her ability to say it all out loud, she questioned Maria’s ability to fully understand what she was saying. She pulled back and took Maria’s hand in her own.
Hey, Buddy- what’s wrong?
We’re gonna go for a little walk alright? It’s okay, Ms. Halse said it was okay.
Why are you crying Buddy?
I was just missing you and it made me a little sad.
She sat down on the grass right outside the Special Education classrooms and motioned for Maria to join her. She wasn’t sure how Maria felt about what she had just said. She twisted her body so that they were facing each other.
I’m sorry I made you sad, Buddy.
Oh, Maria- you didn’t make me sad. I just missed you and wanted to come have a talk.
I didn’t make you cry?
No way! You only make me smile. You are my best friend.
It was Maria who did the hugging then. Karen hugged her back and knew that she meant the words she’d just said. She wouldn’t have thought it when she started this deal, but somehow Maria had managed to dig through all the layers of her hardened exterior and saw her for the person she was. What was more…she liked the person she saw. She drew in a breath, knowing that the things she was about to say could never be unsaid and she wanted to make sure she got it right.
Maria, do you know who Greg Chambers is?
Yes, he plays football. He has to wear a helmet.
Yes, he does. Do you remember talking to him in the hallway earlier today?
Yes, why?
Do you remember what he said?
He said I was pretty. He touched my hair and said it was soft and smelled good.
She saw a slight blush form on the apples of Maria’s cheeks, giving them a rosie aura. Her heart began to pound faster. She knew she had to keep going.
What else did he say?
He held my hand. He asked me if I ever had a boyfriend. I told him no. That’s all he said. Do you know Greg too?
Her breath caught in her throat. He had definitely worked his charm on her, that much was obvious. She felt nauseated at the thoughts that were, no doubt, running rampant in his mind. She knew she had to answer Maria’s question and finish what she had started, but she hoped she could explain it so that would be easy for her to understand.
Yes, I know Greg. He used to be my special friend.
You mean, like I’m your special friend?
Sort of, but Greg was my boyfriend.
Oh…
I know he seems like a nice person, but he isn’t. He did something very mean to me and it hurt me a lot. I don’t want him to hurt you like that. Do you understand what I’m telling you?
He hurt your feelings. He’s a bad boy. I don’t like him anymore.
She saw the distress creep across Maria’s usually vibrant face and even her eyes appeared to be saddened. It broke her heart to be the one responsible for it, but she knew it would be better in the long run.
I want you to promise me that you will never talk to him again. If he tries to talk to you, just ignore him and go back to the classroom quickly. Okay? Will you promise me that?
I promise, Buddy.
They got up and walked back to the classroom. She told Maria that she would see if she could get permission to come have lunch with her every day. She was a library aid during the time that Maria had lunch, but she was certain Ms. Fink, the Librarian, could spare her for twenty minutes. That was the most likely time for Greg to show up because he was in the gym during that time. Also, all of the Special Education students got a bathroom break right after lunch. With her eating lunch with Maria, she could make sure she got to the bathroom and back without any problems. When they reached the door of the classroom, Maria stopped and looked at Karen.
Karen, can I tell you a secret?
You can always tell me anything, Buddy.
I love you.
Tears welled up in her eyes as she squeezed Maria’s hand and told her that she loved her too. She watched as she walked back into the room, the door pushing shut behind her. She looked down the hall at the clock hanging there, jolting her back to reality. She realized that she’s missed most of the second half of her classes, but she was in no shape to focus on the algorithms now. She went to her locker to get her things, making the executive decision to finish cutting the rest of last period. She was sure she could convince her mother that she was sick enough to write her a note.
**********************************************************
Life definitely appeared to have made a turnaround for her over the last few months. Spending time with Maria made her realize so many things that she had somehow managed to forget. Simple things, like how much fun it was to play on a merry-go-round. Sitting as it spins faster and faster, the world becoming a distorted mixture of colors, lines and shapes. The whole while feeling as if you were somewhere, caught between a dream and reality. She remembered how nice it was to just be with someone who didn’t expect you to be someone you weren’t. They spent many afternoons laying beneath the old turntable, listening to the soft croons of Bing, the soulful sounds of Nina, and wishing we were Dean’s Amore. There was never a lot of talking on those days, just an understanding that they were sharing something special and that was enough.
She had cleared it with Ms. Fink to have lunch with Maria, but she couldn’t allow her to do it every day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Library was open for teachers to book class time and Ms. Fink said she would need her to be there to help keep the peace. Like she could control them? She didn’t press her luck and was thankful that she was able to go at all. She would go at her old time on those days. Even if she couldn’t have lunch with her, she could at least check in. Maria hadn’t mentioned seeing Greg anymore, so maybe he had moved on to something else. Or maybe someone else. She shuddered at the thought.
*********************
She enjoyed having lunch with Maria. It was so much more peaceful than eating in the cafeteria with the loudness of everyone’s voices bouncing off the low ceiling, then pounding back down. She much preferred the laughter and company she received here. She felt bad for making presumptions about these kids. They were, for the most part, just like everyone else. She wished more people realized that. They listened to music, they liked to dance, they watched movies, they told jokes, they got their feelings hurt, they opened themselves up to love. Who were others to judge them? Who had she been to attempt to?
She had been having lunch with Maria for about a month. One day as they were eating, she pulled the last bite of a candy bar from her purse and popped it into her mouth. Patrick, one of the other kids and a usual at their table, talked about how it was his favorite kind of candy bar. She told him, with a wink, that if he was extra nice, she would bring him one the next day when she came to see Maria before she went to the library. He seemed pleased by this and was more than extra nice for the rest of lunch.
She put the candy bar in her purse before she left for school that morning. It was obvious that the holidays were upon them, as she walked down the street. Evergreen wreathes with festive bows hung on front doors, storefronts had gone all out in their attempt to brainwash their customers into purchasing the latest what-nots, each displayed in all its glory in the shiny windows. Garland draped across the center of main street, adorned every so often with a shiny red bell. This had always been her favorite time of year and she was sure that this year would be more special than ever.
The school was keeping up with the festivities and she enjoyed seeing all of the decorations as she took her usual route to the other side of the school. She chuckled as she passed the Music Hall’s Christmas tree which was decked out with reeds, mouth pieces, and garland made from old sheet music. It was cute, but reeds? Really? She had to give them points for being creative.
She didn’t bother knocking on the door to the classroom anymore. Ms. Halse had told her to just come on in whenever she got there, so that’s what she did. She found Patrick and gave him his candy bar. He seemed surprised that she had remembered, but he gave her a hug and thanked her all the same. She loved that something so simple had made him so happy. She looked around for Maria, but she didn’t appear to be in the room. She asked Ms. Halse where she was and she replied that she had gone to use the restroom. She had come a little earlier today, so she didn’t have to rush off. She was admiring some student artwork on the wall when she noticed Ms. Halse glance at her watch then at Maria’s empty seat. Something about the look on her face, made Karen’s pulse quicken.
She walked out of the room and crossed the hall to enter the bathroom. She checked each stall, but they were all empty. Her brain began to race as she tried to think of any other places Maria could be. She went out to the patch of grass behind the classrooms; no one. She went in the guy’s bathroom incase she had gotten confused. Aside from a few surprised guys, there was no one there either. Her heart was now beating in rapid succession. She began to panic as she walked briskly down all the hallways on that side of the building. She checked every nook, every cubby hole, and tried each door handle. She ran back towards the classroom. She didn’t want to say anything to Ms. Halse because then she would have to explain everything. She just wanted to find her.
As she ran past the gym, she heard a faint sound that stopped her in her tracks. Turning around, she walked back the way she had come as the sound got closer. She stopped in front of the equipment room just outside the gym. Though it was called the equipment room, it was really just a huge room occupied by dusty old crap that nobody wanted anymore. She tried to open the door, but it was stuck or something. She threw her whole body against the door and wedged it open. There, against the far wall of the structure, Maria sat hugging her knees to her chest. She could hear her whimpering softly as she got closer. Her espresso brown hair was mussed and strewn in a thousand different directions. Her pants were undone and she sat with her head buried in her shirt, which rested on top of her knees. As she bent down to let her know she was there, Maria jerked back, looking up at her with swollen eyes.
No! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll be good, I promise.
It’s okay, Maria. It’s Karen, I’m right here sweetie. Everything’s going to be alright.
She knelt down and wrapped her arms around her trembling friend. She sat with her, rocking her back and forth, letting her cry. They stayed like that for a while, then she helped her hook her bra and put her shirt back on. She fixed her hair as best she could and they sat back down on the floor. She told Maria that they would make him pay for what he did. She cried as she told her about the night that the same, terrible thing happened to her. She hated him for what he did to her, but she hated him more for what he did to Maria. Her innocence and pureness of heart would never be the same. He had robbed them, both, of those things. They sat and cried over the tragic bond they now shared.
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May came around, as did all of the things that came with it: Prom, Invitations, Class rings, and finally Graduation. She stood in the same pink bathroom pondering herself in the mirror, just as she had nine months prior. She looked at the person staring back at her and remembered the sense of losing herself that she had felt that day. So much had changed since then. She and Maria filed charges against Greg and each member of the football team. Every one of them confessed to raping both girls. Every one except for Greg. The coach was not pleased that he would have to find a completely new team before summer training camp began. He said she coerced them into confessing and she was sure he wasn’t the only one who felt that way, but she didn’t care. She knew the type of sick, twisted people they were and she knew what they had done to her and Maria. That was all that mattered.
She met Maria in front of the school before the ceremony began. They introduced their respective families, shared stories of some of their favorite memories, and took lots of pictures. She helped her attach her collar and bobby pin her cap to her head. As she sat with the rest of her class on that warm evening in early summer, listening to enthralling speeches about this being the first day of the rest of their lives; she couldn’t help but thinking how true it was. Corny, but true. Every day, in a sense, is the first day to the rest of their life. She felt like she had finally come full circle, like she was finally able to, not just hear the words, but believe them. She knew it had come as no result of anything she had done. No- it was all Maria. Maria DeSalva was the best thing that could have happened to her this year. She had a strength and exuberance about her that Karen had yet to see matched by anyone else. Even after everything that she had been through in her life, it was she who gave Karen the strength to testify against Greg and the others. It was she who publicly admitted forgiveness for their wrongdoing. Though she still had a lot of healing to do, Maria was everything Karen needed at just the time she needed it and Karen knew it.
She watched as Maria walked across the stage accepting her diploma. The average eye might not see it, but she was certain that if people looked with their heart instead of their eyes, they would see the wings that Maria tried so hard to hide. She made her own trip across the stage, accepting a piece of paper she’d spent 12 years working towards. The ceremony came to an end and everyone went to stand with their friends as Mr. Frederick announced the graduating class. Everyone tossed their caps high into the air as the air filled with laughter and applause. As she stood there in that moment, taking it all in, she felt a strange feeling in her heart. It had been so long since she’d felt anything like it; warm and comforting. Then it hit her: she was happy. It was like coming home again. Even if it had been a long time, you still knew the way.
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